the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)- 第9节

“You　told　me　about　it　the　next　day。　It　hurt　my　feelings；　too。　I　liked　your　parents　and　I　had　no　idea　they　didn’t　like　me。”

“It　wasn’t　that　they　didn’t　like　you。　They　didn’t　think　you　deserved　me。”

“There’s　not　much　difference。”

“I　know　that　I　always　did。　Maybe　that’s　why　my　mother　and　I　always　seem　to　have　a　distance　between　us　when　we　talk。”

“How　do　you　feel　about　it　now？”

“The　same　as　I　did　back　then。　That　it’s　wrong；　that　it　isn’t　fair。　It　was　a　terrible　thing　for　a　girl　to　learn；　that　status　is　more　important　than　feelings。”

Noah　said　nothing。

“I’ve　thought　about　you　ever　since　that　summer；”　she　said。

“You　have？”

“Why　wouldn’t　you　think　so？”　She　seemed　genuinely　surprised。

“You　never　answered　my　letters。”

“You　wrote？”

“Dozens　of　letters。　I　wrote　to　you　for　two　years　without　receiving　a　single　reply。”

She　slowly　shook　her　head　before　lowering　her　eyes。　“I　didn’t　know。。　。”　she　said　finally；　quietly；　and　he　knew　it　must　have　been　her　mother　checking　the　mail；　removing　the　letters　without　her　knowledge。　It　was　what　he　had　always　suspected；　and　he　watched　as　Allie　came　to　the　same　realization。

“It　was　wrong　of　her　to　do　that；　Noah；　and　I’m　sorry　she　did。　But　try　to　understand。　Once　I　left；　she　probably　thought　it　would　be　easier　for　me　to　just　let　it　go。　She　never　understood　how　much　you　meant　to　me；　and；　to　be　honest。　I　don’t　even　know　if　she　ever　loved　my　father　the　way　I　loved　you。　In　her　mind；　she　was　just　trying　to　protect　my　feelings；　and　she　probably　thought　the　best　way　to　do　that　was　to　hide　the　letters　you　sent。”

“That　wasn’t　her　decision　to　make；”　he　said　quietly。

“I　know。”

“Would　it　have　made　a　difference　even　if　you’d　got　them？”

“Of　course。　I　always　wondered　what　you　were　up　to。”

“No；　I　mean　with　us。　Do　you　think　we　would　have　made　it’？”

It　took　a　moment　for　her　to　answer。　“I　don’t　know；　Noah。　I　really　don’t；　and　you　don’t　either。　We’re　not　the　same　people　we　were　then。　We’ve　changed。　Both　of　us。”

She　paused。　He　didn’t　respond；　and　in　the　silence　she　looked　towards　the　creek。　She　went　on。　“But　yes；　Noah；　I　think　we　would　have。　At　least；　I’d　like　to　think　we　would　have。”

He　nodded；　looked　down；　then　turned　away。　“What’s　Lon　like？”

She　hesitated；　not　expecting　the　question。　Bringing　up　Lon’s　name　brought　slight　feelings　of　guilt　to　the　surface；　and　for　a　moment　she　didn’t　know　how　to　answer。　She　reached　for　her　cup；　took　another　sip　of　tea；　then　spoke　quietly。

“Lon’s　handsome；　charming　and　successful。　He’s　kind　to　me；　he　makes　me　laugh；　and　I　know　he　loves　me　in　his　own　way。”　She　collected　her　thoughts。　“But　there’s　always　going　to　be　something　missing　in　our　relationship。”

She　surprised　herself　with　her　answer　but　knew　it　was　true　noheless。　And　she　also　knew　by　looking　at　him　that　Noah　had　suspected　the　answer　in　advance　when　he　asked；　“Why？”

She　shrugged　and　her　voice　was　barely　above　a　whisper。　“I　guess　I　still　look　for　the　kind　of　love　we　had　that　summer。”

Noah　thought　about　what　she　had　said；　thought　about　the　relationships　he’d　had　since　he’d　last　seen　her。

“How　about　you’？”　she　asked。　“Did　you　ever　think　about　us？”

“All　the　time。　I　still　do。”

“Are　you　seeing　anyone’？”

“No；”　he　answered；　shaking　his　head。　He　finished　his　beer。　“I’m　going　to　go　and　start　the　water。　Can　I　get　you　anything’？”

She　shook　her　head；　and　Noah　went　to　the　kitchen　and　put　the　crabs　in　the　steamer　and　the　bread　in　the　oven。　He　found　some　flour　and　cornflour　for　the　vegetables；　coated　them；　and　put　some　fat　into　the　frying　pan。　After　turning　the　heat　on　low；　he　set　a　timer　and　pulled　another　beer　from　the　icebox　before　heading　back　to　the　porch。　And　while　he　was　doing　those　things；　he　thought　about　Allie　and　the　love　that　was　missing　from　both　their　lives。

Allie；　too；　was　thinking。　About　Noah；　about　herself；　about　a　lot　of　things。　For　a　moment　she　wished　that　she　weren’t　engaged；　but　then　quickly　cursed　herself。　It　wasn’t　Noah　she　loved；　she　loved　what　they　once　had　been。　Besides；　it　was　normal　to　feel　this　way。　Her　first　real　love；　the　only　man　she’d　ever　been　with—how　could　she　expect　to　forget　him？

Yet　was　it　normal　for　her　insides　to　twitch　whenever　he　came　near？　Was　it　normal　to　confess　things　she　could　never　tell　anyone　else？　Was　it　normal　to　e　here　three　weeks　before　her　wedding　day？

“No；　it’s　not；”　she　finally　whispered　to　herself　as　she　looked　to　the　evening　sky；　“there’s　nothing　normal　about　any　of　this。”

Noah　came　out　at　that　moment　and　she　smiled　at　him；　glad　he’d　e　back　so　she　didn’t　have　to　think　about　it　any　more。

“It’s　going　to　take　a　few　minutes；”　he　said　as　he　sat　down。

“That’s　fine。　I’m　not　that　hungry　yet。”

He　looked　at　her　then；　and　she　saw　the　softness　in　his　eyes。　“I’m　glad　you　came；　Allie；”　he　said。

“Me　too。　I　almost　didn’t；　though。”

“Why　did　you　e？”

I　was　pelled；　she　wanted　to　say；　but　didn’t。

“Just　to　see　you；　to　find　out　what　you’ve　been　up　to。　To　see　how　you　are。”

He　wondered　if　that　was　all；　but　didn’t　question　further。　Instead　he　changed　the　subject。　“By　the　way。　I’ve　been　meaning　to　ask；　do　you　still　paint？”

She　shook　her　head。　“Not　any　more。”

He　was　stunned。　“Why　not？　You　have　so　much　talent。”

“It’s　a　long　story。”

“I’ve　got　all　night；”　he　answered。

“Did　you　really　think　I　was　talented？”　she　asked　quietly。

“C’mon；”　he　said；　reaching　out　for　her　hand。　“I　want　to　show　you　something。”

She　got　up　and　followed　him　through　the　door　to　the　living　room。　He　stopped　in　front　of　the　fireplace　and　pointed　to　the　painting　that　hung　above　the　mantelpiece。　She　gasped；　surprised　she　hadn’t　noticed　it　earlier；　more　surprised　it　was　here　at　all。

“You　kept　it’？”

“Of　course　I　kept　it。　It’s　wonderful。”

She　gave　him　a　sceptical　look；　and　he　explained。　“It　makes　me　feel　alive　when　I　look　at　it。　Sometimes　I　have　to　get　up　and　touch　it。　It’s　just　so　real—the　shapes；　the　shadows；　the　colours。　It’s　incredible；　Allie。　You　mean　to　tell　me　no　one　has　ever　told　you　that　before？”

“My　professor　did；”　she　said；　“but　I　guess　I　didn’t　believe　him。”　He　knew　there　was　more。　Allie　looked　away　before　continuing　“I’ve　been　drawing　and　painting　since　I　was　a　child。　I　guess　that　once　I　got　a　little　older　I　began　to　think　I　was　good　at　it。　I　enjoyed　it　too。　I　remember　working　on　this　painting　that　summer；　adding　to　it　every　day；　changing　it　as　our　relationship　changed。　I　don’t　even　remember　how　it　started　or　what　I　wanted　it　to　be；　but　somehow　it　evolved　into　this。

“I　remember　being　unable　to　stop　painting　after　I　went　Home　that　summer。　I　think　it　was　my　way　of　avoiding　the　pain　I　was　going　through。　Anyway。　I　ended　up　majoring　in　art　in　college　because　it　was　something　I　had　to　do；　I　remember　spending　hours　in　the　studio　all　by　myself　and　enjoyed　every　minute。　I　loved　the　freedom　I　felt　when　I　created；　the　way　it　made　me　feel　to　make　something　beautiful。　Just　before　I　graduated；　my　professor；　who　happened　to　also　be　the　critic　for　the　paper；　told　me　I　had　a　lot　of　talent。　He　told　me　I　should　try　my　luck　as　an　artist。　But　I　didn’t　listen　to　him。”

She　stopped　for　a　moment；　gathering　her　thoughts。

‘My　parents　didn’t　think　it　was　proper　for　someone　like　me　to　paint　for　a　living。　I　just　stopped　after　a　while。　I　haven’t　touched　a　brush　in　years。”　She　stared　at　the　painting。　“I’m　not　sure　if　I　can　paint　any　more。　It’s　been　a　long　time。”

“You　can　still　do　it。　Allie。　I　know　you　can。　You　have　a　talent　that　es　from　inside　you；　from　your　heart；　not　from　your　fingers。　What　you　have　can’t　ever　go　away。　It’s　what　other　people　only　dream　about。　You’re　an　artist；　Allie。”

The　words　were　spoken　with　such　sincerity　that　she　knew　he　wasn’t　saying　it　just　to　be　nice。　He　truly　believed　in　her　ability；　and　for　some　reason　that　meant　more　to　her　than　she　expected。　She　turned　to　face　him。　She　reached　over　and　touched　his　hand；　hesitantly；　gently；　amazed　that　after　all　these　years　had　somehow　known　exactly　what　she’d　needed　to　hear。　When　their　eyes　locked；　she　once　again　realized　how　special　he　was。

And　for　just　a　fleet