herself existed to her； remained fixed。
Yet far away in her； the sobs were tearing her soul。 And when
he had gone； she would go and creep under the parlour sofa； and
lie clinched in the silent； hidden misery of childhood。
When she crawled out； after an hour or so； she went rather
stiffly to play。 She willed to forget。 She cut off her childish
soul from memory； so that the pain； and the insult should not be
real。 She asserted herself only。 There was not nothing in the
world but her own self。 So very soon； she came to believe in the
outward malevolence that was against her。 And very early； she
learned that even her adored father was part of this
malevolence。 And very early she learned to harden her soul in
resistance and denial of all that was outside her； harden
herself upon her own being。
She never felt sorry for what she had done； she never forgave
those who had made her guilty。 If he had said to her； 〃Why；
Ursula； did you trample my carefully…made bed？〃 that would have
hurt her to the quick； and she would have done anything for him。
But she was always tormented by the unreality of outside things。
The earth was to walk on。 Why must she avoid a certain patch；
just because it was called a seed…bed？ It was the earth to walk
on。 This was her instinctive assumption。 And when he bullied
her； she became hard； cut herself off from all connection； lived
in the little separate world of her own violent will。
As she grew older； five； six； seven； the connection between
her and her father was even stronger。 Yet it was always
straining to break。 She was always relapsing on her own violent
will into her own separate world of herself。 This made him grind
his teeth with bitterness； for he still wanted her。 But she
could harden herself into her own self's universe；
impregnable。
He was very fond of swimming； and in warm weather would take
her down to the canal； to a silent place； or to a big pond or
reservoir； to bathe。 He would take her on his back as he went
swimming； and she clung close； feeling his strong movement under
her； so strong； as if it would uphold all the world。 Then he
taught her to swim。
She was a fearless little thing； when he dared her。 And he
had a curious craving to frighten her； to see what she would do
with him。 He said； would she ride on his back whilst he jumped
off the canal bridge down into the water beneath。
She would。 He loved to feel the naked child clinging on to
his shoulders。 There was a curious fight between their two
wills。 He mounted the parapet of the canal bridge。 The water was
a long way down。 But the child had a deliberate will set upon
his。 She held herself fixed to him。
He leapt； and down they went。 The crash of the water as they
went under struck through the child's small body； with a sort of
unconsciousness。 But she remained fixed。 And when they came up
again； and when they went to the bank； and when they sat on the
grass side by side； he laughed； and said it was fine。 And the
dark…dilated eyes of the child looked at him wonderingly；
darkly； wondering from the shock； yet reserved and unfathomable；
so he laughed almost with a sob。
In a moment she was clinging safely on his back again； and he
was swimming in deep water。 She was used to his nakedness； and
to her mother's nakedness； ever since she was born。 They were
clinging to each other； and making up to each other for the
strange blow that had been struck at them。 Yet still； on other
days； he would leap again with her from the bridge； daringly；
almost wickedly。 Till at length； as he leapt； once； she dropped
forward on to his head； and nearly broke his neck； so that they
fell into the water in a heap； and fought for a few moments with
death。 He saved her； and sat on the bank； quivering。 But his
eyes were full of the blackness of death。 It was as if death had
cut between their two lives； and separated them。
Still they were not separate。 There was this curious taunting
intimacy between them。 When the fair came； she wanted to go in
the swing…boats。 He took her； and； standing up in the boat；
holding on to the irons； began to drive higher； perilously
higher。 The child clung fast on her seat。
〃Do you want to go any higher？〃 he said to her； and she
laughed with her mouth； her eyes wide and dilated。 They were
rushing through the air。
〃Yes；〃 she said； feeling as if she would turn into vapour；
lose hold of everything； and melt away。 The boat swung far up；
then down like a stone； only to be caught sickeningly up
again。
〃Any higher？〃 he called； looking at her over his shoulder；
his face evil and beautiful to her。
She laughed with white lips。
He sent the swing…boat sweeping through the air in a great
semi…circle； till it jerked and swayed at the high horizontal。
The child clung on； pale； her eyes fixed on him。 People below
were calling。 The jerk at the top had almost shaken them both
out。 He had done what he could……and he was attracting
censure。 He sat down； and let the swingboat swing itself
out。
People in the crowd cried shame on him as he came out of the
swingboat。 He laughed。 The child clung to his hand； pale and
mute。 In a while she was violently sick。 He gave her lemonade；
and she gulped a little。
〃Don't tell your mother you've been sick；〃 he said。 There was
no need to ask that。 When she got home； the child crept away
under the parlour sofa； like a sick little animal； and was a
long time before she crawled out。
But Anna got to know of this escapade； and was passionately
angry and contemptuous of him。 His golden…brown eyes glittered；
he had a strange； cruel little smile。 And as the child watched
him； for the first time in her life a disillusion came over her；
something cold and isolating。 She went over to her mother。 Her
soul was dead towards him。 It made her sick。
Still she forgot and continued to love him； but ever more
coldly。 He was at this time； when he was about twenty…eight
years old； strange and violent in his being； sensual。 He
acquired some power over Anna； over everybody he came into
contact with。
After a long bout of hostility； Anna at last closed with him。
She had now four children； all girls。 For seven years she had
been absorbed in wifehood and motherhood。 For years he had gone
on beside her； never really encroaching upon her。 Then gradually
another self seemed to assert its being within him。 He was still
silent and separate。 But she could feel him all the while ing
near upon her； as if his breast and his body were threatening
her； and he was always ing closer。 Gradually he became
indifferent of responsibility。 He would do what pleased him； and
no more。
He began to go away from home。 He went to Nottingham on
Saturdays； always alone； to the football match and to the
music…hall； and all the time he was watching； in readiness。 He
never cared to drink。 But with his hard； golden…brown eyes； so
keen seeing with their tiny black pupils； he watched all the
people； everything that happened； and he waited。
In the Empire one evening he sat next to two girls。 He was
aware of the one beside him。 She was rather small； mon； with
a fresh plexion and an upper lip that lifted from her teeth；
so that； when she was not conscious； her mouth was slightly open
and her lips pressed outwards in a kind of blind appeal。 She was
strongly aware of the man next to her； so that all her body was
still； very still。 Her face watched the stage。 Her arms went
down into her lap； very self…conscious and still。
A gleam lit up in him： should he begin with her？ Should he
begin with her to live the other； the unadmitted life of his
desire？ Why not？ He had always been so good。 Save for his wife；
he was a virgin。 And why； when all women were different？ Why；
when he would only live once？ He wanted the other life。 His own
life was barren； not enough。 He wanted the other。
Her open mouth； showing the small； irregular； white teeth；
appealed to him。 It was open and ready。 It was so vulnerable。
Why should he not go in and enjoy what was there？ The slim arm
that went down so still and motionless to the lap； it was
pretty。 She would be small； he would be able almost to hold her
in his two hands。 She would be small； almos