unavailable； should I have to give up
the distraction I needed so badly—needed even worse because Jacob was out
risking his life？ Risking it；
in essence； for me。 If it weren't for me； Victoria would not be killing people
here just somewhere else；
far away。 If anything happened to Jacob； it would be my fault。 That
realization stabbed deep and had me
jogging back up to the road toward Billy's house； where my truck waited。
I knew my way to the lane that passed closest to the cliffs； but I had to hunt
for the little path that would
take me out to the ledge。 As I followed it； I looked for turns or forks；
knowing that Jake had planned to
take me off the lower outcropping rather than the top； but the path wound in a
thin single line toward the
brink with no options。 I didn't have time to find another way down—the storm
was moving in quickly
now。 The wind was finally beginning to touch me； the clouds pressing closer to
the ground。 Just as I
reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice； the
first drops broke through
and splattered on my face。
It was not hard to convince myself that I didn't have time to search for
another way—I wanted to jump
from the top。 This was the image that had lingered in my head。 I wanted the
long fall that would feel like
flying。
I knew that this was the stupidest； most reckless thing I had done yet。 The
thought made me smile。 The
pain was already easing； as if my body knew that Edward's voice was just
seconds away
The ocean sounded very far away； somehow farther than before； when I was on
the path in the trees。 I
grimaced when I thought of the probable temperature of the water。 But I wasn't
going to let that stop me。
The wind blew stronger now； whipping the rain into eddies around me。
I stepped out to the edge； keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me。
My toes felt ahead blindly；
caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it。 I drew in a deep
breath and held it 。 。 waiting。
〃Bella。〃
I smiled and exhaled。
Yes？ I didn't answer out loud； for fear that the sound of my voice would
shatter the beautiful illusion。 He
sounded so real； so close。 It was only when lie was disapproving like this
that I could hear the true
memory of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made
up the most perfect of all
voices。
〃Don't do this；〃 he pleaded。
You wanted me to be human； I reminded him。 Well； watch me。
〃Please。 For me。〃
But you won't stay with me any other way。
〃Please。〃 It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed my hair and
drenched my clothes—making
me as wet as if this were my second jump of the day。
I rolled up onto the balls of my feet。
〃No； Bella！〃 He was angry now； and the anger was so lovely。
I smiled and raised my arms straight out； as if I were going to dive； lifting
my face into the rain。 But it was
too ingrained from years of swimming at the public pool—feet first； first
time。 I leaned forward； crouching
to get more spring
And I flung myself off the cliff。
I screamed as I dropped through the open air like a meteor； but it was a
scream of exhilaration and not
fear。 The wind resisted； trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity；
pushing against me and twirling
me in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth。
Yes！ The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the
water。 It was icy； colder
than I'd feared； and yet the chill only added to the high。
I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water。 I
hadn't had one moment of
terror—just pure adrenaline。 Really； the fall wasn't scary at all。 Where was
the challenge？
That was when the current caught me。
I'd been so preoccupied by the size of the cliffs； by the obvious danger of
their high； sheer faces； that I
hadn't worried at all about the dark water waiting。 I never dreamed that the
true menace was lurking far
below me； under the heaving surf。
It felt like the waves were fighting over me； jerking me back and forth
between them as if determined to
share by pulling me into halves。 I knew the right way to avoid a riptide： swim
parallel to the beach rather
than struggling for the shore。 But the knowledge did me little good when I
didn't know which way the
shore was。
I couldn't even tell which way the surface was。
The angry water was black in every direction； there was no brightness to
direct me upward。 Gravity was
all…powerful when it peted with the air； but it had nothing on the waves—I
couldn't feel a downward
pull； a sinking in any direction。 Just the battering of the current that flung
me round and round like a rag
doll。
I fought to keep my breath in； to keep my lips locked around my last store of
oxygen。
It didn't surprise me that my delusion of Edward was there。 He owed me that
much； considering that I
was dying。 I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was。 I was going to
drown。 I was drowning。
〃Keep swimming！〃 Edward begged urgently in my head。
Where？ There was nothing but the darkness。 There was no place to swim to。
〃Stop that！〃 he ordered。 〃Don't you dare give up！〃
The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs。 I didn't feel the
buffeting so much as before。 It was
more of just a dizziness now； a helpless spinning in the water。
But I listened to him。 I forced my arms to continue reaching； my legs to kick
harder； though every second
I was facing a new direction。 It couldn't be doing any good。 What was the
point？
〃Fight！〃 he yelled。 〃Damn it； Bella； keep fighting。〃
Why？
I didn't want to fight anymore。 And it wasn't the light…headedness； or the
cold； or the failure of my arms
as the muscles gave out in exhaustion； that made me content to stay where I
was。 I was almost happy
that it was over。 This was an easier death than others I'd faced。 Oddly
peaceful。
I thought briefly of the clichés； about how you were suppose to see your life
flash before your eyes。 I was
so much luckier。 Who wanted to see a rerun； anyway？
I saw him； and I had no will to fight。 It was so clear； so much more defined
than any memory。 My
subconscious had stored Edward away in flawless detail； saving him for this
final moment。 I could see his
perfect face as if he were really there； the exact shade of his icy skin； the
shape of his lips； the line of his
jaw； the gold glinting in his furious eyes。 He was angry； naturally； that I
was giving up。 His teeth were
clenched and his nostrils flared with rage。
〃No！ Bella； no！〃
My ears were flooded with the freezing water； but his voice was clearer than
ever。 I ignored his words
and concentrated on the sound of his voice。 Why would I fight when I was so
happy where I was？ Even
as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold； I was
content。 I'd forgotten what
real happiness felt like。
Happiness。 It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable。
The current won at that moment； shoving me abruptly against something hard； a
rock invisible in the
gloom。 It hit me solidly across the chest； slamming into me like an iron bar；
and the breath whooshed out
of my lungs； escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles。 Water flooded down
my throat； choking and
burning。 The iron bar seemed to be dragging me； pulling me away from Edward；
deeper into the dark； to
the ocean floor。
Goodbye； I love you； was my last thought。
16。 PARIS
AT THAT MOMENT； MY HEAD BROKE THE SURFACE。
How disorienting。 I'd been sure I was sinking。
The current wouldn't let up。 It was slamming me against more rocks； they beat
against the center of my
back sharply； rhythmically； pushing the water from my lungs。 It gushed out in
amazing volume； absolute
torrents pouring from my mouth and nose。 The salt burned and my lungs burned
and my throat was too
full of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back。 Somehow I
stayed in one place；
though the waves still heaved around me。 I couldn't see anything but water
everywhere； reaching for my
face。
〃Breathe！〃 a voice； wild with anxiety； ordered； and I felt a cruel stab of
pain wh