It wasn't until the next morning that I opened the gift that Owen had given me； and that's pretty much why I freaked out； with my usual panache。 I didn't want to see Owen again。
Ever。
But I knew that Jimmy would still be mine； no matter what we both went through to be together。
After all； remember these things：
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything； they just make the most of everything that es along their way。
Happiness lies for those who cry； those who hurt； those who have searched； and those who have tried； for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives。
Love begins with a smile； grows with a kiss and ends with a tear。
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past； you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches。
When I think of all I've had to deal with； particularly with Jimmy； these words bring me fort。
Oh yeah； what Owen gave me for my birthday。
It was a gun。 A crap…ass gun at that。 It was tiny。 It had some pearly kind of handle； and the safety looked like it had rusted out； and I couldn't get the little clippy thingy off if I tried。 I thought it was a joke at first； but I guess not。
It looks like something that you'd buy from some little old lady in Brooklyn； some little old lady with a thousand cats and one of those old fox furs who chainsmokes and lives in a studio she's had since the 1950s。
Still； it was a gun； and I have to admit； it was the creepiest thing he could've given me。
He scares me a little。
I mean； what kind of psycho gift is that？
Chapter Five
After the party
1
Jimmy grabbed Owen's elbow； laughing； the smell of beer and tequila mixed in the air； and Owen giggled； too； and said； 〃Let's go to the jetty。 It's beautiful there。 You can see the north star。〃
〃You know the north star？〃
〃Yeah。 I know all the stars。 I'm an islander。 I know the dippers and scorpio； too。〃
〃You're a Mooncalf；〃 Jimmy said； his grin big and goofy and not the controlled jock he'd once seemed。 〃God I wish I knew the stars like you。 I want to just … just … look at the stars and know which ones they are； and where the earth is in relation to them。〃
The party spun around them； and Owen had a vague sense that Jenna's eyes floated around his every move。 She'll understand； he thought。 Someday； she'll understand。
〃She's a bitch；〃 Jimmy whispered； as if reading his thoughts。 〃She and her friends and half these people here。 All these quote unquote friends of mine； of ours； who are they？ Damn it； who are they？ And Jenna。 Christ。 Jenna。〃
〃No； she's cool；〃 Owen said。 〃Let's go。 The jetty。〃
〃God yeah； show me the stars；〃 Jimmy said； and he kept saying it over and over again as they stumbled their way down the path along the bluffs； and every now and then Owen stopped and let Jimmy take his hand。 Jimmy's hand was warm； and above them； the sounds of the party spun； and the smell of pine and sea mingled。
The moon cut a path for them all the way to the jetty； and by the time they got there； Jimmy had already grabbed Owen hard and pulled him close to him until their chests pressed together； their thighs met； and he pressed his lips to Owen's mouth。
2
Voices in the dark：
〃It's all right； I know you。 I know what we both want。〃
〃Shut up。 Just shut up。〃
〃e here。 e here。 Let me help you。 It's all right。 It feels good。〃
〃No； not like this。 No。〃
〃I've been so lonely。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Wanting this。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Since the first time I saw you。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Does this feel good？〃
〃Ah。〃
〃Will you let me take you？〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Ask me。〃
〃Oh。〃
〃Ask me。〃
〃Owen； take me？ Owen？ Take me。〃
3
Owen takes control I had found my way to Jenna。
It wasn't much different than kissing a girl； and once I allowed Jimmy to feel as if he had seduced me； that I was the unwilling partner； it was easy to hold his attention。 He told me to close my eyes and pretend he was a girl； to just let him do things to me； to just keep the image of a beautiful girl in my mind while he did things。
Jenna was the only face I saw。
I knew that once I had Jimmy McTeague of the Ivy League in my arms； once I had pressed myself into him； owned him； dominated him； that Jenna would be mine。
I look at the boy that I was then： Owen Crites。 Mooncalf。
He mounts the rich boy and he drives his point home。
And no； I'm not gay。 I had no thrill from what I did to Jimmy McTeague； how I made him feel tenderness and acceptance and release that night。 It felt less like sex to me than stabbing someone over and over while they curl around you。
How I caressed him as no one ever had； to the point that he wept against my chest。
It was purely because I thought of Jenna。
My love for her。
Love is purity。
My next decision； as I lay there with that puppy whispering his soul into my ear； was just how I was going to murder him。
PART TWO
The Last of Summer
Chapter Six
Jimmy McTeague keeps a diary
1
Need to train better。 Work on backswing； damn it。 Wake up an hour earlier every morning。 Run two miles。 Then practice。 Then row。
July was a waste。 Feeling like I'm getting lazy。 More strength training。
Check out the sucky gym in town。
Jenna's a bitch。 She thinks she knows。 She doesn't know。 She'll never really know。
Need to get back with Jenna。 Need to figure this out。
I can't resist him。 It's awful what we're doing。 But I know I can stop。 I know if I just stick with the program I can stop。 I think he's evil。
What we did was wrong。 I know that。 What Jenna and I can build is right。
Call the Padre and Madre for more money。
Bee a better person。 Quit all the lying。 Lying is bad。 There's no reason。 If you feel the way you feel； let it all out。 Don't keep holding it in。
Doesn't matter what dad thinks。 Doesn't matter if you know what you need from life。 You can let it out。 Other people do。 Other people need those things； too。
Maybe it's not real。 Maybe it's just sex。 Maybe I shouldn't let it happen。
But now all I think about is him。
Jenna and Mooncalf。
Mooncalf。
He told me something really smart。 Just shows that you don't need all these prep schools and universities to be smart。 He said； 〃Love is purity。〃 It is so true。 It's something I couldn't say out loud。 But it's so true。 But there's more to life than love。 You can't survive on love。 You can't have the important things in life just because of love。
No one pays for three houses and European vacations and clothes from Italy and Rolls Royces with love。
2
My name's Jimmy McTeague。 It's safe to assume you know that because you are me sitting here reading my diary。 Since after all no one else is going to read this if I can help it。 It's also probably safe to assume that you'll burn these pages someday to make sure no one else reads them。 But for now； writing it down seems right。 My favorite movie is probably still the Little Mermaid； which I saw when I was nine years old and I still watch it on video once a year at least。 Why？ Because it was about sacrifice for what you wanted。 I've always sort of believed in that。 My dad doesn't understand why I watch a cartoon to inspire me。 Sometimes I watch it before a match because it gets me going。 I don't see why being smart and grown up has anything to do with abandoning the things you believed in when you were a kid。
I've wanted to keep a diary since I was about nine； about the same time as I saw that movie； but I didn't start til I was twelve； and then I threw it all out； so after another brief attempt at sixteen； I've decided now that I'm about to enter Harvard； it's time for me to keep one。 I'm not only about tennis； anyway。 I get tired of that dumb jock image。 My SATs were through the roof。
I get good grades and am totally wrapped up in Medieval History； which I figure I might pursue even after I graduate。 If I graduate。 If I make it through。
If all the bad things that I've found out about don't happen in the meantime and it all ends。
This part of the diary is about my summer。 Jenna and I were having a great year together； although I wasn't always there for her； I suppose； because of the ma